Lowest Point

Last night was the lowest point in my life. Awaken by a long distant call from my baby sister, hearing those uncontrollable sobs, just made my heart sink. It sank deeper than any trenches in the ocean, heavier than the titanic and much more aching than a death toll about to occur. My baby sister... Miles away, crying and I couldn't help her. Not even to reach out to her. The feeling of helplessness was ultimately frustrating that I felt like taking the next flight to Aberdeen with my current savings. If I had wings, I would fly over. If I had the power, I would take away all her sorrows. My baby sisters..
I swear if I could, I would take all those sorrows and give you my laughter. Take those tears and kiss the both of you with joy. Unleash the tension in your hearts and hug you for comfort. I would give you all my joy and take in all your sorrows coz I never want you to even have a single tear roll down those beautiful faces.
All I could do as the eldest was tell them to be patient and pray hard. I wanted to knock my head on the wall and just scream out. I felt helpless. My baby sisters.. If my love for the three (inclusive of Azman) of you could do wonders, I would make life perfect for you guys and never let a single hurt come in contact. That helplessness feeling just made me crumble down. Just like an avalanche, my soul came crashing down so hard, I just couldn't move.
I try my best to be the one with all the answers, with all the wisdom and guidance for my baby sisters and brother but I realised yesterday, I am just a mere human with no extraordinary gifts.. All I can do now is pray for your happiness.. I love you guys so much that I would protect with so much. Hang on there my babies.. I guess adults don't really act like adults and that they can be very immature and selfish at times. I love you guys oh so much....

Your name appeared in my head immediately but reality proved me wrong. Coz I was left staring at my handphone screen with so much hurt, my eyes began to sting and my vision was blurry.

Mizan, thank you for being such a great friend. For calling me back when my mind went blank on me. When for that moment, I seemed to forget about everything and my soul just left my body for that few seconds. Thank you for making me laugh when I thought it was impossible to even be happy. Thank you for being there when I couldn't reach out to anyone in the middle of the night, when most people were sleeping. And for once (haha) you seemed years wiser than me. For that, I thank you again.

A shout out to my bestfriend aka the 5-days-older-brother-I-never-had, Danial.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY you old guy.
Soon, I'll join in the oldies group with you.

I hope my prayers are being listened to..
Protect my baby sisters and brother for I am unable to even reach out to them right now.

My babies...
My love will never be too far away.

Ka-Ching~

The moment I opened up my email, the reply caught my eye. So anticipating the very anticipated, I was quite disappointed. Why? Coz being the geek that I am, I wrote a story. To whom you may ask? Russell Lee. Yeap, you heard me right. And the man replied me with only a short reply stating he'll tell me that if my story were chosen, he get back to me. Writing is a passion. So I'm grabbing any opportunity that comes by. I've still yet to start writing my articles for STAT.

Oh by the way! Guess who's going to Rihanna's concert?? Guess who might be getting a backstage pass to meet Rihanna and do an interview with the lady herself? =] Well... it's a maybe but I'm keeping my hopes high on this one. Woopeedeedoo. It pays being a geek.

I can't get enough of you. Like yesterday, even for a short while, it was worth it. Hopefully, it's the same for you. =]
Call me when you read this!

Worthless Piece of Cow

If I could rip the very insides of you, I would. When you were bad mouthed by people, I got your back. They would make fun of you, curse you and look at you like such a worthless piece of shit, I was the one who snapped back at them and told myself you were way better than what they accused you of. But when you ungrateful cow raised you bloody voice at me on the phone I swear I would have turn you inside out. When you were depressed, I was there to listen and reassure you everything will be okay. I'm not taking your bloody nonsense anymore. Ungrateful and disrespectful. Damn you. I even cared.

I think myself as a very nice person. Very. I take in critism thinking that you're just having a bad day. I push my feelings aside and let myself be your punching bag. Everytime, I'll have to take the ride home trying so hard not to let those overwhelming emotions get the best of me. Like how I waited for you to take the initiative. Not only once. But all these while dammit. All these while.

Sorry readers.
I'm just having a really pissed off day where people tend to step on my head with dem spikes.

You're a real disappointment.

So I've waited for 3 months for someone to get me this book. When yesterday I went to Kinokuniya, I thought, 'Oh waddaheck, no one is getting it for me. Might as well buy it myself.' Haha.

The introduction has got me hooked and it's writeen in such a way that you'd feel that Elizabeth Gilbert is talking to you and whispering these facts personally. It intrigues you to go deeper into your ownself too. So people, if you're finding quite a spiritual book, this is the one to grab.

The flea market was CRAMMPED. Very. People were literally grinding each other to squeeze into those 'fit-for-2-skinny-people' isles. There weren't much that were eye-catchy but the prices went as low as $4 for a dress. (you heard me right) I got myself an orange maxi dress, a tube dress and an orange top. Plus 2 awesome sets of bangles. Bargain2 mcm auntie.

Met my stepsis and stepmom too. I guess I've matured through the years coz we could get along really2 well. It was very flattering that they thought I've done so well with school and being one of the lead editor in my school's editorial team. =) Oh! and we went to a perjumpaan hari raya without wearing our baju kurung. It was so random and I felt very out of place. Overall, it was a good day.

Today I was supposed to go to Uncle Ta'in's house for a chocolate fondue party but I'm not allowed! OHMYHELL!!! *sings simple plan's how could this happen to me...i've made my mistakes...* That was on my birthday wishlist ok?! -_________________-" Oh well...I guess I can't enjoy being fat after all.

Tomorrow I'm off to the movies to catch...High School Musical 3! Hahaha.. I'm just accompanying my little cousin coz I promised her a treat for her belated birthday. Well....maybe because I'm a HSM fan too la eh. Go la..laugh people...LAUGH. -_- I'm young at heart. HAHAHA. So hopefully Cik Sidah, Esah and Ajari can join us in this quest for happiness. (HAHAHA)

Lunch with me ok? =]

No matter how we try...

Jelly Legs

My legs are all wobbly like jelly now. Ran on the threadmill, cycled and lifted some weights during my break today. Im just waiting for the groggy muscle aches to kiss my calves and arms the moment I wake up tomorrow. An addition to that walked around with the double S-es, reassuring myself that 'no pain, no gain'. Haha. I want my drumstick thighs to be slender. (wait long long zimaaaa..) My eyes gave away that I was getting tired and I had not eaten anything for breakfast and lunch.(Diet la konon2) After that, I carried my overly heavy bag and shoebag to causeway to meet the Aunt to accompany her for awhile. Walked back home while talking to Mizan for a little while. (I miss that Mr.Thailand boy) Paintball or go-cart yes sirrr.....

The internet is getting boring. School is tiring the hell out of me. I want someone to treat to a chocolate fondue. Oh2!!! My birthday is coming up!! 4th Novemberrr ahhh.. So nice friends out there, I want my chocolate fondue. Hahaha.

Heading for my editorial meeting tmr and I simply can't wait to meet Mr Rashid! Hohoho. Plus to meet the new members of the HS editorial team. Hopefully, the people are an enthusiastic bunch. After that, off to the flea market I go.... To shop shop shop... Till I drop..drop...drop. *snaps fingers*

The birthday wishlist:
- A great movie
-A new sports shoe. Preferbably, Nike. (My faithful red NikeAir has crumbled after 7 years of loyal service)
-CHOCOLATE FONDUE
-Shopping money??? Hahaha
-A nice pair of heels!
-A great book to indulge in. (Love, Eat, Pray) Woootssss!! Get me this!!
-Im anticipating a card from my family in Scotland <3

The Awesomely Kecoh & Anti-Kumbang Girl

Happy 14th Birthday in Advanced Sha2

First and foremost, I'd like to wish my beloved younger sister, Sha2 a very happy birthday in ADVANCE! 14 is an absolutely great age to be in. So don't get into trouble. (i sound very much like an older sister) and enjoy this year to the fullest. Your bdae present is coming your wayyy!!

As I've said earlier, I hate being the newbie. What more having a clingy person around. Pardon me but it's not that I'm being mean or wadsoever but it's just sometimes you really can't click along well with someone to have him/her around you alot. It's a rare thing for me not to be able to click with someone but I really do hate over-ly cheerful brats who think they're wayy better than others. I like it down to earth.

I've been going to the gym nowadays, running and trying to burn my fats whatmore I might be competing in my school's netball in the Polympics. So bringing up that stamina back and hopefully I'm back to shape like how I was 6 years ago. =) HAHAHA. Putting aside rice and yes, my daily dosage of chocolates. Bringing homepacked bread to school and leaving money at home. (no chance of buying my M&Ms) =( So I've made a bet with Khai to see who gets all fit and not to mention hot 1st. HAHA.

It's great how we are right now. I've told you the truth and as you said, let time heal. =)

A stupid phonecall:

S: Where are you?

Z: Behind the greenhouse laaa!

S: Where I can't see you

Z: *walks to the minibus*

*Z waves frantically*

Z: Hi!!! You look so puny!

S: Shuddap... -_-'

The kanchiong spider girl

Magazine Nerd

I'm just in an i-need-to-update-if-not-my-mood-will-suddenly-go-away kind of mood.

I'm quite surprised by my own eagerness to actually be quite the serious person for my NS3 project. Like running down and up my school's hill slope just so I can truly know how to answer my presentation questions. Calling for help from an ingeniuos friend. Thank you Muhammad Fairoz! (Eventhough I know he's not reading this.) But seriously, he's been a great help. Be it in peer tutoring, exam period and emergency calls for CVA questions. =)

Saturday, I'm having my editorial meeting after such a loooooonnnggg time. So this time ard, we'll be having yr 1s with us. And Dahliah & I are supposedly to guide them along the way. I can't wait to start writing for the magazine again.

Pictures taken before tutorial class...:

Keep Pulling Me Back

How come even when I thought that there's nothing to lose, I find myself reaching out?
The recurring question just won't go away. It has always been like this. Like Usher's Moving Mountains. Hah.

When you get mad, I feel guilty.
Once again, it seems to surprise me.
When that was the very reason I felt so constricted,
I still reach out for you.

But you're just a boy...

If I Were A Boy

If I were a boy
Even just for a dayI’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girlsI’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.
[Chorus]
If I were a boyI think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boyI could turn off my phone
Tell evveryone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)
(Chorus)
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
(Chorus)
But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

A friend introduced this song to me and I immediately fell in love with it. Check out the video. And men out there, it just shows how it is to be in our shoes. We may be seem to be petty, annoying, irritating but at the end of the day, it's our love that you guys sometimes seem to find so transparent.
We take in every critique, demands, verbal punches and swollow them like a packet of nails that they are. Yet, that never seems enough. I'm not saying that all guys are like that. I've had my share of jerks and it's frustrating to be left to the side while thinking, where exactly had it went wrong. When did the love seemed insufficient. That loyalty, faithfullness and love just seemed so empty.

A surprise from Ayah. He suddenly asked me, 'Do you want to go to Scotland next year?' I said if possible, after my graduation. He simply said, ' I'd go ask my boss to pay for your air ticket.'. That made me so happy and have this wide grin. From all the rotten guys there are on this earth, it's still my father & uncle who seem so immaculate. =) So perfectly perfect. Now there's 2 men whom I know, know how to love so much.

Now's not the time to fall in love.
I've simply put it to a stop.
Until the right time comes.
Until he's the right one to meet Ayah and my uncle.
Then I'll fall in love.

Laughing and giggling all by myself was awesome. HAHA. With people most probably wondering why on earth a 18 yr old was alone and being demented, I just let my hair down and enjoyed ME time. Even in school, I'm alone at times.

Being the newbie, it occasionally is a downside. I hardly make a good impression with my smugly face and people always have the perception that I am a snobby snob. But it has its upside, being alone makes me concentrate better in classes. =]

Sometimes being friends is better. And seriously, i like the way we are now.

Danial and I are in love with the same guy. HAHA. He's gay, I'm straight.

What I did to the hair:

Guilty Conscious

I hate it when guilt overwhelms me. Even when I know I'm not in the wrong. Then why the guilt?? Coz I'm always at the peak of pity-ing. Or getting overly paranoid when someone posts a pm in MSN and I think it's my fault they're down. It's always like this whenever I am alone, in the bus, or lying down to sleep. These are the times where I prefer to contemplate on things. It just builds and builds and builds till it comes to a situation where I don't even know what to do or feel.

Stupid Conscious..

Time to Shine

It's very tiring to try to keep something going when you know it's crumbling. Trying so hard to keep the pieces together, hoping it'll hold on for wayy much longer. Keeping someone else's feelings before yourself can be the 'right' thing to do but when when it's up to the extent you roam around lifelessly? Those few days I thought and I listened. To those who care for me more than anyone could. Be it a cousin, friend, sister. They all have 1 thing at heart, my happiness. I know this seems very emotional but it's true. And Rash.. your blogpost did quite a kick ok? (A nice way that is)
So I apologise if my decision caused hurt to you. Look at it this way.. We were going nowhere. Each day was just another 'trying to make each other happy, but we couldn't' day.

On a lighter note, school has started and I was dreading it at first.. After seeing many of my friends from attachments, there was really nothing to dread about. =) So, my brain is set to work full time. (I even did revision last night) GPA, get ready to soar.

Oh2! I did a random surprise for my LOVE, Sheila Sabri, by dropping by her house for her Hari Raya open house. ( I did good by seeing her shock expression) I love her very2 much. And I met the 4 days older brother that I never had, Danial. What you said was true Dan. So don't apologise.. =)

Dejavu; Wait, I've Been Here Before

I'm back to blogging! =)
Well, it does give a feeling of relief after having disturbing thoughts and it's hard to actually tell someone.(trust me, it's hard)

So, recently, I've participated in the F1 gala. Regretwasto join as a volunteer medical helper when the others are getting paid. (ushers , etc) Standing for more than 12 hours is backbreaking and god knows how my feet were crying 'Help'. Lewis didn't win. My boyfriend didn't win. (don't go laughing your cheeks off..a girl can dream.)

Anyway, school is reopening on Monday and I'm not really looking forward due to the swap of classes. (reason: i failed NS3.) It's dumb, i know. I won't go saying pull up your socks Zima coz that's too much of a cliche. What will do is not to be distracted.

Pictures!:















I love this fat boy of mine. Plainly ADORABLE.












Konon2nye cool gitu.

















My c902 kicks butt.






Now2.. It seems like I had a premonition of this situation occuring. I won'tsay I'm surprised. Coz it was already expected. Don't blame the boat for not moving.. When you're not even making the effort to use the oars to paddle.

Dejavu-ed.